Hot Salty Garbage

DO NOT PARTY WITH THE GIRLS FROM THE TROY HOOTERS!!! They will systematically destroy your liver and look good while doing it. I arrive at Hooters for a contract negotiation and had no idea the night I was in store for. It started fairly simple. A few pitchers of beer amongst friends would seem harmless. Not the case when you are surrounded by the friendliest little hard bodies in Metro Detroit. These little hotties have been genetically altered in a lab to imbibe alcohol like a seasoned redneck. Not to mention that they look like they just jumped out of Maxim magazine. There is no saying no to them, in or out of uniform. We drank our fill at Hooters and decided to go to another bar to see if we can shut our livers down for good. To our surprise, a couple smokers from Hooters showed up and joined us for our night of sin. I didn’t plan on drinking until I had more alcohol than blood but one of the stunners birthday was last night which means that I am obligated by man code to make sure she drinks her body weight in booz. She succeeded. Shot for shot for several hours these girls didn’t miss a beat. For a minute I was wondering if they were even affected by alcohol. Basically these are the most dangerous women on the planet. They don’t even have to resort to being a stripper and they can make men do their bidding with a simple bend of their waist. Regardless of how nice they looked and how UN characteristically friendly they were, it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I was scraped across an alcoholic’s ass after last night. My eye lids are heavy, my throat is dry, my vision is blurry, my eyes look like a river map, my stomach is speaking fluent Wookie and at any moment I can either vomit or shoot explosive beer dump from my ass at a screen and it would pass through without even hitting it. My gas that refuses to dissipate could most certainly be mistaken by NATO as a terrorist threat. With that being said I feel like I feel like hot salty garbage in the summer sun. This is why this rant sucks and so do you for reading it.