Holiday Shopper

You know who you are. You’re the same time killing retard that stops right in the middle of the walk way at a sporting event. Nobody likes you. You impede traffic just as you impede the human race from advancing. You are definitely part of the corporate system. It’s believed that you are on the mall’s payroll. You purposely slow down other shoppers thus to increase the chances of other stores receiving more traffic. You stop right in the middle of the walkway facing the opposite direction so you don’t make eye contact with those who wish you dead. It’s rare that it’s an American citizen, it’s usually a group of muck lucks (the sound a foreigner makes while speaking) trying to coordinate where to spend all the government tax breaks they receive. They stand in the way spitting out their pig latin, laughing about how much unreported tax money they are about to spend. I am willing to bet that they know they are in the way. If only I could speak pig latin, I would be able to hear them plotting the destruction of America starting with stopping forward movement. Working my way through the cloud of Drakkar Noir, I run into the other murderer of productivity…The Fire Hazard (A man who is utterly in denial of his own homosexuality “in the closet” despite the fact that he is clearly gay to the objective observer.). This being usually blocks the walk way in front of his lovers store (i.e. express, Bath & Body works, Structure, Banana Republic and Abercrombie.) to ensure the gay movements ability to secure cash flow. This act causes a major Man Stand (The act of a man standing outside a shop while his girlfriend/wife/partner shops inside. Man Standing involves looking into space, at other women, or in the case of multi story shopping centers, leaning on the railings of the upper floor watching the people below.) that can be quite difficult to get through. Men, if you encounter a Man Stand, as a warning, please close your mouth, cover your bag, and protect your hole as the Fire Hazard sometimes infiltrates this crowd. He is noticeable by his limp wrist and wide stance. He is the one starring like a hungry hobo at your meat stick. Don’t let this thing force you into one of his favorite stores. Try your best to get around this deliberate crowd or you may find yourself in a dressing room being forced to sample his well trafficked, meable megarectum ().