Dear Boss

I don’t know how many times I went into your office before you got here and tea bagged the mouth piece on your phone. Positively, the bottle you use daily to get your daily measured amount of water has certainly touched my meat curtain after I ran up a few flights of stairs. I have even held a sneeze and ran before I couldn’t hold it anymore just to rainbow you computer monitor. I know it’s childish to remove all the plastic ink inserts from every pen in your office, but I can’t help it. I do these things because I like to. Its not that you are a bad boss, it’s because you are in a position of authority over me. This bothers me because I am smarter than you. I am more qualified than you. I have better people skills and I am just a better human being. If I were to suddenly make it rich, I wouldn’t quit my job. I would still work just to have access to the toothbrush that you keep in your lower left hand drawer. That tooth brush has scraped the chalky white roll on off my arm pits for several months now. Watching you brush your teeth with it is an awesome weight loss plan. It’s difficult to have lunch imagining all the sweat, dead skin, urine, and those little balls of TP/feces that always manage to stick around even after a thorough wiping. You didn’t think it was coincidence that every time you went to the rest room to brush your teeth I had to pee did you? I wanted to see you place this brush in your mouth that is more familiar with my undercarriage than my ex girlfriend. I have managed to place some type of funk on every surface in your office that you might touch. Everyday you sit in your office, in some way you are touching a portion of my own special brand of filth. This blend is made up of only the finest ingredients. Eye crusts, boogers, snot, spit, sweat both ball and pit and the occasional crack with a side order of dandruff, pee, poop and last but not least the ever necessary bitten off fingernail. What this does for me is, it takes you out of the authority role and makes you mine. I own you.