Best Wishes
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I want you to go down a slide made out of a cheese grader, nude. I want you to be simultaneously sodomized and orally raped to resemble Chinese finger cuffs. I want you to crap from your mouth from now on. I want you to sit backwards in the bathtub with your feet propped against the wall and launch your head backwards towards the faucet. I want you to scream whenever you talk no matter where you are. I want you to get the flesh eating disease only on your lips. I want you to jump on a bike with no seat and let the pole fill you up. I want you to wake up to your Grandmother giving you a hot Carl. I want you to uncontrollably lunge your teeth into your knee cap with every step. I want you to think spitting in the face is the new handshake. I want you to brush your teeth with a toilet brush. I want you to keep trying to bite your spine in public. I want you to open every door with your mouth. I want you to place your tongue on the arm-rest of an escalator for 1 full rotation of the rubber belt. I want you to punch your own mother in the back of the head when you see her. I want you to quit in every job interview. I want you to pole vault with your balloon knot. I want you to cut off your own nipples with nail clippers. I want you to knock with your face. I want you to go for a jog only to find an African Condor swoop down and dig his talons into your shoulders and beat you with its wings for the remainder of your run. Last but not least…God forbid you are found dead…I want you to be found nude, smiling with your thumb up your ass.
Back-At-Cha
I want you to fall down an up escalator for hours. I want you to bite your tongue every time you eat. I want you to get your big toe caught in the spokes of a bike while riding double. I want your mouth to spontaneously fill with semen anytime you see a good looking woman. I want your alarm clock to be a 200 pound ostrich attacking your man tackle. I want your diet to consist of 80% blue urinal disks and 20% Iraqi sweat. I want your knees to invert so you walk like a Dodo bird. I want you to pick and eat every body hair you grow. I want every word you speak to begin with “my small penis says …” . I want you to only drive while both index fingers are deeply lodged in your nostrils. I want you to break out and perform Dancing Queen and It’s Raining Men anytime someone says the word “the”. I want your clockweights to be sucked into your shit portal like cotton balls into a Shop-vac every time you stand up. I want you to open up a septic tank cleaning business where you start every job with an oral siphon to get the hose pumping. I want you to play goalie at a golfball driving range wearing only ruby red slippers. I want a small portable thunderstorm to follow you indoors and out. Every night just as you fall asleep I want you to be smacked by Randy Savage. I want the insides of your eyelids to be covered with fly paper. Death would be getting off easy for you, I’d rather you live after having tossed Hillary Clinton’s salad.
-Abe Froman
FMD to serve...
I want people to be compelled to violently shove their fingers in your mouth when they are near you. I want you to french kiss The Undertaker. I want your alarm clock to be a glowing hot cattle brand. I want John Henry to mistake your morning wood as a railroad spike. I want your tool to turn into a cobra and attack you at random. I want you to bathe yourself like a cat. I want you to uncontrollably purr around your father. From now on when you deauce I want it to come out in the shape of a backwards anchor. I want you to be the only one on a float at the gay pride parade. I want you to zip a manilla envelope accross your open mouth cutting deeply into both corners. I want you to have to change all of your relatives tampons. I want your hands to uncontrollably slap all over your body every 3 minutes. Last but not least... I want whenever you go outside to pick up your morning paper, you find Deebo analy raping your Grandmother while pouring sugar in your gas tank.